I want you to be like.....

I think raising the boys is going to be a lot harder on me than raising Taylor. How on earth do I make sure they grow up to be good people, specifically fathers and husbands. I mean most of the time I can't exactly rely on Tim to set the example. I think that is the hardest part. I am suppose to want my boys to grow up to be like their dad. But me, I don't really want that. I want them to be and do better.

How do I raise responsible, helpful, respectful, caring boys. I mean surely Tim's parent's thought they were making the right choices when raising their son. Surely they thought they were teaching him all this. Maybe they did and it's just not who he is. Or maybe they didn't teach him. Maybe he learned what he saw. That's the fear I have with the boys. That they will think the way our house runs is how it should be or the "normal". It's not, and I know that.

I hope my boys grow up and have the utmost respect for their spouses. Whether they work outside of the home or whether they are a stay at home mom. I hope they make their spouse feel equal to them. I hope they love and care for their wife and family, and put them first. I home they are responsible and make the best decisions for their family. But what I hope the most is that I can direct them down that path. I hope that I am making the right parenting choices, that will lead them in this direction.

I feel that Tim thinks that I am less than him because I don't "work", I don't have an income. I have no say in any of the financial decisions, most things are done without me knowing about them. I have to ask for money if I need something, I have no debit card of my own. NO access to the account or money. I am in debt, well we both are, but my stuff is not getting paid. I have now been notified that if I don't make a large payment on my school loans I will never be able to go back to school, and they will be taking legal actions against me. It's hard because I have no control of it. I have no way to help myself.

I have let my family down, and myself down. It's hard to feel less than someone, especially when that other person is your significant other. I pray my boys never make someone feel like that. And I will do everything in my power to make sure they don't.