Cleaning Out My Closet

Friends, today I am linking up with For The Love Of Blogs for their new hop called Cleaning Out The Closet.

Today I plan to share things with you all, without fear. No fear of judgement, rude hurtful comments, negativity, but hopefully thoughtful comments of support.

So without further delay here is my dirty laundry:

1. I let the boy watch more TV(cartoons) than I would really like to admit to. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to turn it off and actually come up with activities to do with them. This is something I hope to work on.

2. Sometimes I say that I am doing things, when I really am not. For example, like when I say I am cleaning, more than likely I am not. It's not that I intentionally lie, I mean to do it, I just don't.

3. On the same note, I also sometimes ask for advice or suggestions and then don't use them. I am not sure why though, because I really do appreciate the advice and do use it, just not all the time.

4. I have called the police on Tim for domestic violence and he did spend 12 hours in jail. Some days I regret it, and some days I think it was one of the best things I did, I think it helped our relationship.

5. I don't like to leave the kids with Tim alone because I have a fear that they won't be taken care of. Like fed, changed, played with. Even though I know for the most part they would be taken care of.

6. I forget to change the laundry all the time, which results in my having to rewash it. I do this all. the. time.

7. I really hate cleaning the house, until I just get started, and usually once I start it's hard to stop.

8. On that note, last year in October, the time I refer to as the worst few days of my life. It was the time the kids were taken from us, and spent 4 days with my mom. (I do plan to talk about this more soon)

9. Sometimes when my phone rings I ignore it. It's either because I don't want to talk to the person who is calling, or it's that I am too busy to talk. More times though I ignore it on purpose.

10. I still have trouble living with the fact that I do EVERYTHING for my kids, to keep them safe and well taken care of. They are my whole world, and I feel that it was because of me that they were taken away for a few days. That I was told I put them in harms way. That is something no mother ever wants to hear, and I will do everything to prevent in the future.

Do you need to clean out your closet? Come join us!

Hope.

I hope that you follow your heart and dreams. That you become what you want to be, that you do what you want to do with your life. I hope that you know I will always be behind you.

I hope that you set your bar high, because you deserve it, and because you can reach it. I hope that your happy. I hope that you always know who you are. I hope that you never loose sight of who you are.

I hope that you know I will always be here for you. That I will always be here for you to turn to whenever you need to. I hope you know that I will be there in good times and in bad. I will be here when you need help, encouragement, a shoulder, comfort, or someone who will just listen.

I hope you know just how much joy you have brought to my life, just how much you have taught me. I hope you know how special you are, and how important you are. I hope you know that everything I do is for you. I hope you know that I would do anything for you, that I would give my life for yours.

I hope that your kind, caring, and respectful. I hope that you are always willing to help others, and to give. I hope that your always curious. I hope that your zest for life never fades. I hope that you keep your determination, and that it takes you far in life.

But most of all, I hope you know how so very much I love you!

Weight Issues

I used to be skinny. Or skinnier.

I remember my dad always teasing me saying that if the wind blew that it might just blow me over.

Tonight on TV I seen a preview for a new show called Heavy, about obese people getting into shape, taking control of their lives.

I almost started to cry.

Tim said to me "I guess some of it is my fault" "Do you remember when I would have to beg you to eat, practically force you". I never starved myself or had a eating disorder, I just ate normally, and didn't like eating in front of Tim or his family in the beginning of our relationship.

I told him that I definitely don't remember anyone EVER having to force me to eat!

In fact I am pretty sure I am addicted to food.

I am not really sure how I got to where I am today. I mean it could be that I had 3 kids so close in age. The longest I went after I had a baby before I got pregnant again was 11 months.

It could be all the soda and junk food I eat

Or it could be that I developed into what I believe as an emotional eater. I eat when I am bored, I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am angry. I just feel the need to always eat.

I am not big on New Year's resolutions. But I think this is the year to make some changes. I have never really discussed my weight issues, really with anyone. Tim is the only one who really knows that my weight upsets me.

If I continue on the path that I am on things are only going to get worse. I am the only one who can help myself. Because honestly I am not happy with myself, with my body image.

I have to do this for myself and for my children. They deserve a mom they can look up to, they deserve a mom who can be active physically in their life. I am tired of sitting on the sidelines.

This is not going to be easy, but it's necessary.

My goals will be to lay off the soda, and drink more water.

Make more home cooked meals, then there will be less of a need to eat out.

And be more active everyday.

I think that this will be a good start for me. I am not going to put too much pressure on myself, but I am going to do this!

Because if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy!

Hello.

Goodbye 2010, you sure went out like a bang. Storms and tornado's ripped through St. Louis yesterday, and left a path of destruction behind. The tornado went through Fenton where my mom and several friends live, then left a huge mess in Sunset Hills which isn't crazy far from us. It's around where Tim works.

And as I sit here in my nice warm home, the boys napping in their beds, I can't help but think of all the families whose home is no more. Devastation.

I am sad for the families who had no home to go to or bed to sleep in last night on New Years Eve. Families of little one's whose new Christmas presents are gone, and worse families who have lost a loved one in these storms. My thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who was affected by the storms last night.

Tim got called out yesterday(he works for Charter, a cable company, working on the main line) and for all the mess the tornado's created. He actually walked the streets that were closed off because of all the damage. He said it was surreal, like nothing he had ever seen before. Like a war zone. He got called out again today, although there is not much he can do until all the power gets restored. I am thankful that where did not have any major storms here, because I am not sure our one level house, and our family would have made it. So very thankful right now.

We brought in the New year right here in our own home. When you have kids, and especially 3 kids 3 and under it's hard to find a babysitter. Especially when most of your family already has plans. So we just had Tim's parent's over, they are still in town, and once we put the kids to bed we just played cards all night. It was a nice low key evening.

Taylor is now sick with what appears to be a cold. She is very stuffy, congested, and has a runny nose. She has been having a very hard time nursing, and I have had to give her several bottle. I am not too thrilled about this. But the important part is that she gets better, and eats. I am worried though that this is going to lead to her completely weaning from breastfeeding. Hoping for her to kick this cold FAST and go back to nursing normally.

The boys have been knee deep in all their new toys from Christmas. Our house looks like a toy store exploded! Most of the day they jump from toy to toy to toy. Another big thanks to all our family for the wonderful gifts, we appreciate it!

All the anticipation for the holidays, the countdowns, and now they are hear and gone before I can blink. Another year down, and a new one beginning! 2010 was one of the best years and worst years at the same time. It was a year that changed me for the better. It was a year that I learned a valuable lesson, it was a year where I changed as a mother and a partner.

In this new year, I hope to share with you all what happened to our family last year. To share with you the week that changed us, in hopes that it could help another family, another mother, another wife or husband.

So goodbye 2010, and hello 2011.

I look forward to what you have in store for our family. Because I know that this year will be what I make of it. And it's going to be good. So good!

Thank you all who have joined me in 2010, and I hope you all will stick around for 2011. We have great things planned!

Happy New Year! Have a great day!


Linking up for Weekend wander, come join us!

Life is a Thrill Ride!

Life is like one big thrill ride! Having children in your life is like getting a seat in the front of that roller coaster. There are always going to be good days and not so great days, and that is even more so with children.

Those little stinker's can make you want to rip your hair out one minute and melt your heart the next. Friday was a rip your hair out day, in case you were keeping tabs. They can be the biggest pain in your butt at moments, and the greatest joy in life all at the same time.

And probably my favorite thing about this ride I am on, is seeing life through their eyes. The pure joy that the simplest things bring to them. Seeing their imaginations in full force.

Children, they are a beautiful thing.

I am loving this ride!

God's Work

One thing Tim and I often disagree on is God.

Simply put. Tim does not believe in a God, and well I do. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason".

Neither one of us are religious, we were never raised with religion in our lives. We do not attend church, but I still believe.

Tim's strongest reason for not believing, is all the bad things that happen in the world and to people. He believes that if there was a God, he would not make people suffer.

I believe that God has a plan, there is a reason people suffer. He has a plan for everyone, and a reason for everything. And while you may not understand the reason or plan at the moment or ever, there is one.

I know there is a reason for the events that happened a few weeks ago. God had a reason for putting us through hell. While I am still not really wanting to share what happened, I am coming to peace with the events of that week.

I feel that our family is stronger, the relationships in our family are stronger, especially between Tim and I. I believe I am a better mother and partner. I feel good about where we are now.

I know that it was because of prayers and knowing that God had his hand in this, that we were able to make it through. He never left our side.

I love seeing God's work. I am blessed to be where we are right now. So very blessed and grateful.

Life Lessons

Sorry for my blog hiatus. Last week was rather eventful and sorta life changing for our family.

Due to this being a public blog and all, I am not quite comfortable sharing what happened just yet. There is most of our family that we really do not feel like explaining everything to yet.

A lot of our friends know about our situation, and we feel safe with them knowing. We don't feel judged by them, we just feel the support and love. Sometimes family can be too judgemental. I am just not ready for that.

I hope that one day soon I can explain the hell we went through last week. It was the worst week of my life. I think it would do me some good to work through all the emotions. It would be good to reflect on what happened.

It was definitely a lesson learned.

In short though, Tim and I are still together. It has nothing to do with our relationship. In fact I think this has only made it stronger.

All three of the children are fine. We are all doing OK, and taking things one day and step at a time.

If it wasn't for a our immediate family and friends we would not have made it through this tough time. We sincerely thank you all for the love, support, and help. It means the world to us that you all were here for us when we needed you the most.

Will be back soon.

Sorry for my absence. These past 4 days have been the worst 4 days of my life. I don't have time right now for a full update, but one is coming soon.