Guilt

Dare I say, we may be on the mend around here! I woke up feeling much better, no sore throat, and just a little stuffiness.

Taylor had a really hard evening and night. She cried most of the evening until I finally had to give in a give her a bottle of formula. It worked though. She went to bed around 7:30pm, but was up at 12:30. Then up again from 2:30-3am, I had to nurse her to get her back to sleep. Up for the day at 7:30am. Momma is tired!

She woke up in a decent mood though. Couldn't get her to nurse though so I had to give her another bottle of formula (not happy about this, as I will discuss later), and then she actually played for a while which she hasn't been doing. She still has a runny nose and some congestion, but she is actually happy and playing. Which is a dramatic difference from the past 4 days.

Although I probably jinxed myself considering I just laid her down for a nap and I hear her in there crying. Darn it!

Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while, or who knows me IRL knows I am a huge breastfeeding advocate. I had my first son at the age of 19 and gave up breastfeeding as soon as we got home from the hospital, it is something I still regret. With my second son, I had latching problems but exclusively pumped for 4 months, he never had a drop of formula and latched on at 4 months old and never took a bottle again. He weaned himself at 14 months old.

Taylor has been exclusively breastfed, but it has not been easy. Around September of last year I started having supply issues, Taylor was loosing weight and the doctor wanted me to give her formula. I wasn't comfortable with that idea. Then in the beginning of October I had the worst week in my life. Taylor was not with me for about 4 days, not by choice. I couldn't nurse her, she was given bottles of formula. I didn't have a pump so I has to borrow one from the WIC office. I pumped as much as I could while she was gone, took Fenugreek pills, did what I could to keep my supply up.

When she was back home, she took back to the breast fairly easily and things seem to be going great for a while. I actually had plenty of milk from all the pumping. So I decided to stop pumping and let my supply go back to normal. But I think ever since those days that I couldn't nurse her, things have never been the same.

And now she is sick, wont nurse because she is having trouble breathing and eating at the same time. My supply had already started to decrease a little due to her starting solids, but now I can tell it's going down even more. I had to give the pump back otherwise I would just start pumping to get it up, we can't afford a new pump so I am stuck.

I am forced to give her bottles of formula when she won't nurse, which is most of the day. The times she does nurse she cries non stop when she is done, because I am guessing she didn't get enough. Not sure how to get my supply back up without a pump, and thinking about just throwing in the towel.

This is really hard for me, because I love breastfeeding and know about all the benefits and always have wanted to nurse past a year. But I really don't think Taylor will make it that long. I think we are at the end, and it's really upsetting. She is 10 months old, we are so close to a year. I guess 10 months is better than nothing.

I am at the place where I am just blaming myself. It's my fault that that Taylor was away from me for those few days, it's my fault that I don't eat and drink right which effects my supply. I am feeling guilty every time I go make a bottle of formula, and every time she spits the formula up it's in my face that I am failing.

UGH! Why does this have to be so hard for me. Timothy was formula fed, and is healthy and very bright. But it's something about knowing all the benefits, the bond, and the guilt that make it hard to come to terms with the fact that Taylor is probably going to be formula fed now.

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